Leave a Light On!

Jun 5, 2024
8 min read

Home is wherever you are.

Change sucks. Transitions are messy. Why can't everything just be happy and perfect and wonderful all the time? If you can't tell, I am no good at change. Hard as I may try, pivoting has never been my strong suit. I have reached the end of my sophomore year of college and I find myself shocked by how quickly the time has passed. Two years of alleged adult life, gone in the blink of an eye. I look back on my time at USD fondly so far, time just seems to be flying by so fast, and I am powerless to stop it. I find myself wishing I could freeze these mundane little moments just to make all of the goodness last longer. Movie nights extend into the beginnings of the morning because none of us want to say goodbye. I plan to go abroad next semester. This is something I have been planning since I was ten years old, and I could not possibly be more excited! However, I had no idea that leaving my happy place for seven months could feel so hard. I am learning that I can hold the sadness for leaving at the same time that I hold all of that excitement for the things which have not happened yet.

I still remember the night before I left for my pre-orientation retreat, on the cusp of all of my college adventures. I bawled my eyes out in my own bedroom to Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves, and that is the very same song I now belt on the way to retreats with the people who will be in my wedding someday. People change. Life evolves. There is happiness out there for you that you can't even begin to imagine. Logically, I know all of this. I understand that these people aren't going anywhere, and just like my time at USD so far, my time in Rome will fly by, and I will be back here before I know it. Still, I find myself savoring the moments. I will never get this exact time back. I will never be a sophomore in college again. There is a beauty in being exactly where you are. If you asked me to go back to my sophomore year of high school, I would respond with an emphatic "no!" Not because it was terrifying or tragic, but simply because I had no idea how much was out there for me. When I was a sophomore in high school, I thought that was the happiest I would ever be. Now I know better, and I am exponentially more joyful that I ever would have thought possible. This is not to say that everything is perfect. Life is really tough. It's all hills and valleys, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. Red lights. Green lights. Stop signs. Speed bumps. And just when you get into the groove, a fork in the road. What happens next is up to us.

I will be going abroad in the fall to Rome, one of my favorite places in the whole world. I have been dreaming about Italy for over a decade, and now that the time is here, I am not sure I am ready. I feel so safe and comfortable here, all of my people live no more than five minutes away from me. My boss gives me food when my meal plan runs out. I use the University Ministry coffee machine. I spent this past weekend snorkeling with leopard sharks in La Jolla. I run into minimum ten people I love on my way to class everyday. I am so well taken care of here. Just when I have finally put down roots, it is time to change direction. Time to uproot and adventure and explore and live. It's exciting and terrifying and perfect all at once. I felt like my head would never stop spinning, but luckily for me, my mom paid me a visit recently. She reminded me that I have everything I need inside me already, and together we laughed and cried about the trials and tribulations of adulting.

There is a story I was told in my childhood that I believe perfectly encapsulates this message. Growing up, I learned that my dad was adopted. My grandma was very young when she learned that she was pregnant with my dad, and she chose to put him up for adoption. This was a very brave choice made with so much love for my dad even when she didn't know him yet. Sure enough, my dad was adopted into a family that gave him the most interesting childhood full of lots of adventures. I'll have to do a blog post someday of just stories from my parents, but that is something for another time. After a crazy journey with love riddled with unexpected twists and turns, my parents miraculously found their way to one another. Around that same time, my dad decided to seek out his biological parents. Because he was adopted through a closed adoption with Catholic Charities, my grandparents had no way of knowing anything about my dad: what he looked like, his personality, his passions, or his love for my mom. After hiring a private investigator, my dad finally found them after all those years.

He sat down for dinner with them, stories were exchanged, and bear hugs were given. As my dad spent more time with them over the years, they began to fill in the blanks in each other's lives together. My dad also met my great grandmother, the sweetest and most gentle woman who passed away a few years ago. I felt so blessed to know her. She was known to make us all laugh, but she told one story in particular that has remained with me all these years. My grandma and great grandmother lived together decades after my dad's adoption, and they considered moving several times but never could go through with it. My great grandma insisted on leaving the porch light on all night just in case my dad found his way home to them. They left that light on every single night. And then, finally, my dad found them after all.

That story always makes me cry. I always picture my grandma and my great grandma, these two tiny women with the biggest hearts, waiting up for my dad night after night. No matter what, they left the light on. Sometimes, the world felt hopeless and confusing, and still, that light kept flickering anyway. I look back on my time here at the University of San Diego, and I feel so fortunate to be able to call this place home. That's the beauty of home: home leaves the light on. I can leave for the weekend, the summer, the entire semester, or years at a time, and still USD leaves a light on for me. I can wander and frolic and explore the world, change my entire personality, pursue an entirely different career, make every mistake, and still my home leaves the light on anyway. Home is not a place, building, or portion of space. Home is far less tangible, it's not just the space, it is the time as well. It's the people we love. It's the air we breathe at that very second and the ones we share it with.

I was so blessed to help build a house in Tijuana a few weeks ago. My aunt and uncle partnered with International Relief Teams and some of the most special people I have ever met. We woke up before the sun had risen to meet with the crew at the McDonalds just before the border. Two coffees and one particularly bumpy ride later, we made it to the build site. I have only been to Tijuana once before, but I am always struck by the vibrant colors, the beauty of life in the chaos. We gathered for a moment of prayer, and then we got to work! Something so beautiful about this organization is how they go about choosing who to help. If a neighbor decides to pitch in with a build, they become eligible for a house of their own. I think this is such a perfect way to do it. The more you pitch in to help others, the higher the likelihood that they will help you. This is how we create community. Together, this unlikely crew built a vibrant orange house for a mother and her three children. The kids helped us paint, and their mom was wildly impressive with the power tools. I learned how to use a drill for the first time and forever ruined my Lululemon leggings! What a day! All of these people chose to sacrifice a restful Saturday to do voluntary construction in the hot Mexico sun. We spent hours and hours on this house, but only when I found myself bear hugged by this adorable nine year old girl, Camila, did I realize that it is the love that makes a house a home. Without the love and hard work that we had all put in as a community, this house would be just four walls and a concrete floor. It is the care, compassion, and joy that make that little house a home for this beautiful family.

I have learned so much more from my experiences in Mexico than any class I have ever taken. I have laughed and cried with these families even when we can't understand what the other person is saying. Through all of my linguistic fumbles, one thing remains true: no matter what you say, your love always finds a way to shine through. Leave the light on for one another. Make time for community. Home is not a place, home is your people. The remarkable souls that I have encountered in my time here at USD so far have made saying goodbye so hard. How lucky am I to have found such special people? How lucky am I to surround myself with their love? There are some nights when I just can't seem to stop smiling, that is how lucky I am! My home has been so good to me. That is the beautiful thing about college, it gives you more than one home. In fact, you are encouraged to have a few. You can carry your roots with you wherever you go, and you have the power to decide where they grow.

I spent a considerable amount of time the other day cleaning out my camera roll from this year. This is something I do every summer so I remember to tell all my best stories to my hometown friends. I was hit with such an overwhelming wave of nostalgia this time around that it felt as though my heart physically hurt inside my chest. But then I remembered something I pinned on Pinterest forever ago: nostalgia is proof that you are living a life worth living. It is a privilege to yearn for your own memories. Our lives are meant to be lived. We are not meant to be frozen at this standstill or stuck at the fork in the road. You have to surround yourself with the people who bring you back home to yourself. Live with them and learn from them! La vita va avanti: life goes on. The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave and even better to come back. Here's to the next adventure!

I love you all so dearly.

ALSO: If you want to donate to the wonderful organization that helps to build houses for these beautiful families in Tijuana, I have included that link here!